A Birthday letter to Mom

How do you honour and celebrate the poeple you love after they're gone?

On Mom's birthday each year, I go for a walk, pick out a birthday card, and write her a letter. Below is the letter I wrote on her first birthday after she had passed, becasue as I celebrate her again today, the words I wrote three years ago still feel true.

My dearest mama.

I am not sure of many things in life - but one thing I do know is that you are so much bigger than the words I have for you today.  You promised me that your death would make me a better friend and a better sister….  You assured me I’d be okay without you. A year later - and I’m not confident in either of these promises. 

Who will I be without you? I am still on a journey to figure that out.  I search for you during my hard days (and worse, look for you to celebrate with me on my good days). I have learned to turn towards the memories you gifted me of how to love and how to be loved. I revisit the lessons you instilled in me of how to be brave, be kind, be inquisitive, and to never let a man carry my luggage. I now search for shoes in red - because we all know, red is best. 

I wasn’t ready for you to leave us. I miss you every goddamn day. I am not grateful for the opportunity to learn what life is like without you - but I am grateful for the days we spent together as you were dying. I am honoured and proud to be your daughter. 

My grief for you has become dust, comfortably settling into every possible corner of my body. My grief for you will always be there, stirring every time there is a slight breeze. It reminds me that, grief is just love looking for a new home.  Even though you are gone from this world, I have to believe that our relationship will continue to change with time. 

I look forward to loving you every day. I will keep watching for you, hoping you’re checking in on me too. 

Love you.